BREAKING NEWS
THE 'DEAD DOG SALOON' REZONED INTO DELAWARE COUNTY
The particular section affected by the decision is located between 38th and 39th Streets on the heavily trafficked Landis Ave - or more specifically, The Dead Dog Saloon.
FGDC Director, Stuart McFlute, said the rezoning judgment came as a result of the findings in a five year study on the clientele of the Dead Dog Saloon.
“Our studies have indicated that over 93% of patrons frequenting The Dead Dog Saloon hail from towns located in Delaware County,” stated McFlute in a local media conference. He went on, “The intense levels of joy and inebriation showcased by those same patrons in that particular establishment have resulted in a revenue surplus for the city of Sea Isle unlike anything we’ve ever seen despite the economic strife US citizens are currently facing across the nation.”
McFlute explained that FGDC found that the typical Delaware County inhabitant enters The Dead Dog an average of 26.7 times in a given two-day weekend. During a three-day weekend such as Memorial Day and/or Labor Day weekend, that number swells to 83.2 visits. Those same patrons will enter with an average of $42.72 of spending money in their wallets. That money will be depleted completely within an average of 21.4 minutes. Since The Dead Dog is a cash only establishment, clients will use the ATM in the corner (which includes a $3 surcharge) an average of 7.9 times during a typical visit. Afterwards, those same clients will spend an average of $137.89 at ice cream parlors, locations that serve the Delaware County favorite “302” drink, surf shops, Wawa, pizza shops, poop dollar, art galleries, the Promenade, paying the homeless to uppercut their groins, hot dog stands, or just crumpling up their cash and throwing it into the ocean while shouting profanities.
It has also been noted that a typical Delaware County Dead Dog Saloon patron makes an average of $357.89 in total payments in police citations annually after departing the bar.
“The Delco tourists have kept this tourist town afloat during these difficult financial times,” McFlute stated. “We thought that this might be a reasonable way to show the nation’s gratitude.”
The ruling comes as an unwelcomed surprise to the residents and business owners of Sea Isle as the beginning of their tourism season is about to commence – especially to city Mayor, David Penis.
“I’m fixing to kill all you mother f*ckers!” Penis exclaimed. “When Maude [Penis’s wife, Maude Penis] told me about this rezoning malarkey, I sh*t my f*cking pants!” he included. “But I was taking a sh*t on the toilet at the time… so I guess I just forgot to pull down my trousers,” Penis forlornly admitted.
Others are more enthusiastic about the decision, including Havertown native, Chris Clement, who described it as “a more historic event than the day The Declaration of Independence was signed.” When asked about the Sea Isle City Mayor’s comments on the rezoning Clement responded, “Penis is a dick.”
Still, Mayor Penis vows to appeal the ruling and take the decision to the highest court available.
“I didn’t spend 56 years in local government just so I can stand by and let these no good, c*ck smoking, motherless, four flushing, monkey f*cking, trout sniffing, hippy bastards come into my town and push me around like some used up, cheap Vietnamese hooker. This isn’t why I was in Korea,” explained Penis. “This isn’t the last you’ll hear from Mayor Penis! You hear that you nancys?! AAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHHH!!”
Mayor Penis then went on to again defecate in his pants.
Keep checking into TTAD.com as we well keep you posted as more details emerge.
-Chug Monky