Scumbag of the Week: Mysterious Ralphing Bandit
Ralph is a good friend of mind, and when 35 pounds of him was found in the parking lot of Bed, Bath, and Beyond, you could bet your ass I was on the case. Who would do such a thing?
I personally have always been a big fan of the puking rally. Numerous times in my college career, I found myself vomiting in a circle of my closest friends as they cheered me on. Perhaps my famous “Drink untill you Ralph” sessions are what I am best known for. However, earlier this year I finally drew the line when I witnessed a buddy of mine complete the first ever Hot Ralph. And just when I thought I could see nothing more disgusting related to puke, this fucking story surfaces. A story where a group of hooligans have out done my closest friend, and out doing my scummy friends will almost always land you the top spot on Scumbag of the Week.
So who is doing this? Some cheap doctor who doesn’t feel like paying the disposal fee? Some party goers who find puking as amusing as I do? Or some bulimic chick from Radnor whose Daddy refuses to buy her lypo?
Originally, I thought it had to be the bulimic chick, but then I realized we are talking about Radnor, one of the few white collar towns in Delco. I am pretty sure every girl from Radnor gets a boob job and liposuction for their sixteenth birthday. So does it really make sense for this to be a Radnor girl?
So then I looked at the other options. Doctors don’t segregate vomit from their other medical waste like the south still segregates the blacks, so in my mind, Doctors are out, which leaves me with the party people. But after thinking about it and crunching some numbers, I came to the conclusion that this was a lot of puke and it would take a mighty big party to make this happen, but it was possible.
I then put together my own little story. As farfetched as it seems, I think I figured this one out. One of Radnor’s neighboring towns is Marple, and Marple girls have to settle for only getting the boob job for their sixteenth. So I believe this mysterious ralpher is a bulimic Marple girl. A simple way to figure out if my theory is correct is to test the Vomit for any large amount of Semen deposits. Marple girls are notorious for their love of the cock, making this method foolproof.
Whosever vomit this is, they surely deserve this week’s scumbag award.
Read the full article here.
- Mr. Delco