Bunny's Review
Scarecrow Gone Wild
Every so often, a movie comes along that defines cinematic excellence so well that the audience is left in a state of complete awe, jaws dropped to the floor, the cold sweats from sheer suspense, their pants—soaked down to the sneakers with urine—hearts jumping out of their chest until the very last credit vanishes from the top of the screen. A standing ovation follows after the screen fades to black and the dimly lit theater prepares itself for its next showing. For days—in fact, weeks—conversation, debate, and critique floods the public square, every forum jam-packed with opinions and praise, interpretations and honor. Oscar season comes and the cast and ensemble are given their justified due, as the American public is reminded of the film’s brilliance once more. Months later, the DVD is released. The audience holds on to a small glimmer of hope that there may, just may, be a sequel, and the anticipation can begin once again.
2004’s Scarecrow Gone Wild is not one of those movies.
2004’s Scarecrow Gone Wild is not one of those movies.
We all know the story: A group of college-aged, baseball-obsessed teens take a drunken party out into a haunted cornfield and tie a diabetic freshman to a scarecrow post as he lapses into a coma. As any logical, young adult knows, or, at least, should know, a diabetic attack while tied to a scarecrow in the middle of a ghostly cornfield leads to possession by the very same scarecrow to which this teen is tied. What happens next is obvious: the scarecrow, now alive and well, exacts his revenge on those who took place in the hazing, including the baseball team’s coach, played unforgettably by the World’s Most Dangerous Man, Ken Shamrock, who conveniently ran into a similar altercation with the scarecrow years ago. Their fist fight on the beach just outside of a lifeguard stand rivals Rocky Balboa’s battle with Apollo Creed in the Oscar-winning Rocky. The scarecrow beats the holy piss out of Shamrock though, leaving him for dead. It is only later in an abandoned hospital that Shamrock returns, explaining to the rest of the survivors that the scarecrow beat him within an inch of his life, and so he played possum, fooling the scarecrow to his evil core. In his words, “I thought I was dead…but I was just unconscious.” Thank Christ.
The entire plot is so God-awful that I can’t even bring myself to give a full summary, but I will provide a short list of details:
That said, however, I’ve seen the movie over 10 times. Chug bought a copy on DVD. Chug also bought a second copy on DVD. And if it wasn’t for that lazy day in junior year of high school, surfing the on-demand channel for immature entertainment, I would have never discovered this gem. And my vernacular would never have been padded with Ken Shamrock’s warning that if “you break your word, you invite the devil.” Winston Churchill himself couldn’t have put it any better, Ken.
Bunny’s rating: 9.8/10.
--Bunny Stardust
The entire plot is so God-awful that I can’t even bring myself to give a full summary, but I will provide a short list of details:
- The scarecrow knows how to whistle, although he is made of burlap sacks and hay.
- The scarecrow evidently has the arm of Peyton Manning, as shown when he tosses a beach volleyball post over what seems to be a county mile, impaling a young man as he serenades a small group of girls with his acoustic guitar.
- The scarecrow can apparently swim in the ocean and he’s pretty good at it.
- The scarecrow has a valid driver’s license and keeps his hands at 10 and 2.
- The scarecrow can shoot electric current from his scarecrow hands.
- And finally, the only way to defeat the scarecrow is to be overtaken by the evil itself and impale yourself on a cross in the middle of a spooky chapel.
That said, however, I’ve seen the movie over 10 times. Chug bought a copy on DVD. Chug also bought a second copy on DVD. And if it wasn’t for that lazy day in junior year of high school, surfing the on-demand channel for immature entertainment, I would have never discovered this gem. And my vernacular would never have been padded with Ken Shamrock’s warning that if “you break your word, you invite the devil.” Winston Churchill himself couldn’t have put it any better, Ken.
Bunny’s rating: 9.8/10.
--Bunny Stardust