11 Things
to Know at 25(ish) in Delco
So I decided to dumb this adult’s list down and give you the real 11 things to know at age 25(ish) in Delco. The real 11 things are in parentheses.
1. You Have Time to Get a New Job (You Have Time to Find a Job You Love)
If you are collecting a steady paycheck, while spending most of your day on G-chat and doing anything but work, stay at this job. Either your boss doesn’t give a fuck that you don’t do anything or doesn’t notice. You’ve got plenty of time for a career. You’ll never have this little responsibility. You’ll never have this much time to creep on Facebook, plan your next crazy trip, or search for legitimate midget rentals.
2. You Can Pay the Minimum Payment (Get Out of Debt and Stay Out)
Sure, the life manual might say, “pay off your credit card in full each month.” But most likely you’ve already got thousands of dollars in student loans, so what’s a little more debt. You’re going to need that cash in Sea Isle, where cards aren’t accepted.
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I actually think they got this one right in the article. Tack on as many sexual partners as you can. There’s plenty of time to knock socks with the same girl or guy for a while. But for now, gentlemen: you find the drunkest girl in the place that won’t care if you bring her to your parents’ basement. And girls, keep drinking excessively.
4. Give Your Best to Your Friends and Enough to Your Family (Give Your Best to Friends/Family)
The point here is to enjoy your buddies while you can. You don’t know when some decent-looking girl is finally going to give one of your friends some attention and never let you hang out with him again. As for your family, don’t alienate them too much. You’re going to need rides back to your car at Barnaby’s in the morning sometimes.
5. Seek Out a Lawyer (Seek Out A Mentor)
The longer you stay in Delco, the more opportunities you’ll have to do get drunk at the finest, local dive bar then get in your car. Be prepared.
6. Get Some Counseling
This one was really in the article. Seriously? Who the fuck gets counseling? If you really need to talk about your feelings, update your Facebook status and move on.
7. Rep Your Parish (Be a Part of a Church)
You don’t need to go to Church, we’ll see you on Christmas and Easter. But there’s also no need to stop rocking the grade school cut-offs… Even if it doesn’t exist anymore, even if it’s a shitty grade school like St. Dennis.
8. Find a Great Dive Bar (Find a Rhythm for Spiritual Disciplines)
Find yourself a good dive bar that you can retreat to when you need a cheap Saturday night filled with whiskey shots, Bud Heavys, laughs, a little billiards action and a whole lot of classic rock from the jukebox. It’ll keep you sane, but sure as shit not sober.
9. Volunteer to Bring Booze (Volunteer)
You aren’t a kid anymore. When you go to drink before the bar, volunteer to grab a case of beer (or a bottle of something flavored for the women). You look like a stingy piece of shit when you always show up and drink other people’s alcohol in their or their parents’ house. Chances are you’ve found a decent job and can afford the $21.50 thirty of Natural Light. Fuck, at least grab a case of Natty. Pay it forward. And don’t ask for credit, we’ve all done it. Your quiet generosity will be rewarded.
10. Find a Trustworthy Late Night Food Spot (Feed Yourself and the People You Love)
There’s nothing worse than getting drunk and having someone drive you (or the alternative: you drive) to get fast food at 2 AM, only to find the building dark and deserted (I’m looking at you Media fast-food establishments). Sure, you’ve got Wawa to fall back on. But that gets old, fast. Find a place with more options, preferably one that delivers. The last thing you want to do is get a DUI while waiting for a JBC at a Wendy’s that isn’t even open. You can yell into the “Order Here” sign as long, as loud as you want. They won’t answer. Trust me.
11. You’re Probably Stuck Here (Don’t Get Stuck)
If you’re 25 and reading this and still in Delco, there’s a really good chance you’ll be here forever. There’s a whole world out there, but you’ve chosen to ignore it. Here at TTAD, we applaud that commitment. Keep going to the same dive bars. Keep sleeping in your friend’s parents’ basement. Keep peeing you pants. Keep chasing chubby girls, guys. And girls, keep chasing chin-strapped guys with mediocre dicks. And last, but not least, keep up the good work.
-Uncle Boner