POF, POF, Pass...
Author's Note:
Greetings my loyal Delconians- and welcome back! Before I start giving all of your reading eyes the business, I would just like to send out a heart-felt apology to each and every one of you for abandoning you when you needed us most. Summer was winding down, the bitter cold of the Fall air was only matched by the cold gaze of your boss as he caught you sleep jerking at your desk...again. When the times were really tough and you needed a cyber friend to turn to, we failed to be there. We failed to deliver those laughs, those cries, those spiritual enlightenments that you had become accustomed to receiving from TTAD on a daily basis. For this I am truly sorry, but you have my word that it will surely happen again, so don't get too attached this time.
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Now, I like to consider myself a bit of a renaissance man, that is, I try to stay ahead of the curve. I basically invented deep-fried Oreo's. The first case of Budweiser Selects sold in PA was purchased by myself and Bunny. I bought a Kevin Kolb jersey the day he was drafted. Hell, I was doing coke back in 7th grade. Basically, when I tell you something is cool, its pretty fucking cool.
That being said, what I am about to share with you may seem a bit, oh I don't know...pathetic, sleazy, even 'Scumbag of the Week' worthy perhaps. But believe me when I tell you, Plentyoffish.com is a god damn pussy gold mine!
Greetings my loyal Delconians- and welcome back! Before I start giving all of your reading eyes the business, I would just like to send out a heart-felt apology to each and every one of you for abandoning you when you needed us most. Summer was winding down, the bitter cold of the Fall air was only matched by the cold gaze of your boss as he caught you sleep jerking at your desk...again. When the times were really tough and you needed a cyber friend to turn to, we failed to be there. We failed to deliver those laughs, those cries, those spiritual enlightenments that you had become accustomed to receiving from TTAD on a daily basis. For this I am truly sorry, but you have my word that it will surely happen again, so don't get too attached this time.
-------
Now, I like to consider myself a bit of a renaissance man, that is, I try to stay ahead of the curve. I basically invented deep-fried Oreo's. The first case of Budweiser Selects sold in PA was purchased by myself and Bunny. I bought a Kevin Kolb jersey the day he was drafted. Hell, I was doing coke back in 7th grade. Basically, when I tell you something is cool, its pretty fucking cool.
That being said, what I am about to share with you may seem a bit, oh I don't know...pathetic, sleazy, even 'Scumbag of the Week' worthy perhaps. But believe me when I tell you, Plentyoffish.com is a god damn pussy gold mine!
Click "Read More" to Continue
A few months back I was sitting at Gambols, our current 'Delco Bar of the Week', with an older buddy of mine (mentioned in the article, actually). $2 Rolling Rock drafts and shots of Rumplemintz go down about as easy as a Purple Orchid stripper in that place. So as our bar tabs start reaching absurd levels for a wednesday night, he starts disclosing to me how much fine wool he has been getting recently, all thanks to some website. I was taken back, ”Aren't dating websites for old heads and chronic masturbators?”
The simple answer to that question is “Yes, yes they are.” But POF has a far greater reach than normal dating sites. Smokeshows are only outnumbered by fatties by a 3/1 margin, and not the usual 26/1 you will find on other sites.
As I'm scrolling through phone pics of some of the best looking tail outside of a college setting that I have ever seen, I can't help but ask:
“So what does it cost?”
Nothing at all, just go home and make a profile.
“No catch?"
The only catch on this site is the fish you'll be reeling in in boatloads!
This was my first introduction to the Plenty of Fish lingo, which is by far my favorite part about using the site.
“So you call these girls you've been getting with fish, huh?”
Yup, they're my fishies. And there is a very precise process that you must follow in order to get them into your boat: First you need to bait your hook.
'Baiting your hook' is creating a profile. If you want to get fish to bite, you need good bait on your hook in the form of pictures, an 'About Me' section, your interests, and in my opinion the most important ingredient...a catchy headline.
Your pictures should be a mixture of pics that you look really good in and of you having a good time. Fish are not going to bite bait that doesn't look good, but if you're putting up mirror pics of your abs you might as well cut your line now and head back to shore, because nothing is biting on that shit. You're also going to want to include a picture of you with at least one smoking hot chick, this way you perform psychological ju jitsu on the fish and trick them into thinking you can pull some pretty good looking wool. Which under normal circumstances, of course, you can not. I also include a picture of me with a young black child, this way I can attract a diverse school of fish.
For my 'About Me' section I put up complete bull shit that nobody in their right mind would take seriously. It seems to attract very high quality fish, apparently other fishermen are taking the site way too seriously and driving schools of fish straight to my boat.
Interests are are all on you. Put whatever you'd like, in my experience nobody pays much attention to them. If you have common interests with a fish that's usually a good ice breaker though.
As I said before, the headline can be the difference between a fish biting hard or swimming in another direction. A catchy headline should be something fish-related, because it shows how clever and witty you can be. It should also be tied to pop culture, fish like current events, they watch E!. Something along the lines of “REEL Recognize REEL” or “I Got 99 Problems but a FISH Ain't One”(Copyright 2012) will have fish practically jumping right into your boat.
Now that your hook is set, you're going to want to cast as many lines as possible. You see, fishing is a lot like marketing. It's a numbers game. The more lines you throw out there, the greater number of bites you ultimately get. It's simple statistics.
Now me personally, I like to fish for high quality game. But there is no shame in reeling in a flounder every now and then. They tend to be a lot easier to get in your boat than a marlin.
When a fish responds to one of your messages, you have them “on the line.” Its your job to reel them in buddy, make them laugh, tell them how many beers you can drink, send them a dick pic or two. Whatever you think you need to do to get them in your boat, do it. This is the hard part, but once you get them in your boat, it's smooth sailing, brother.
“Getting a fish in your boat” is meeting them, and if you meet them, its almost a lock that you will be knockin' boots. We in the fishing universe call this step “scaling the fish.” Often a fish will not be scaled until the 2nd meet, but never later than that. If the fish is waiting until later than the 2nd meet, cut your line and count your losses. After all, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
I have been fishing for a few months now and have accumulated a fair amount of humorous stories. I will be sharing them with you all in a TTAD exclusive “Fish Tales” series, coming soon to a computer screen/smart phone/tablet device near you.
In the mean time, I encourage all of you young fishermen out there to set your bait and cast a few lines. There's no telling what kind of stories you will end up with.
And lastly, ladies, if you are actually on that, or any dating website looking for a genuinely nice man, you're fucking crazy and are most likely in the flounder category.
It's good to be back!
Dr, Funkenstein
The simple answer to that question is “Yes, yes they are.” But POF has a far greater reach than normal dating sites. Smokeshows are only outnumbered by fatties by a 3/1 margin, and not the usual 26/1 you will find on other sites.
As I'm scrolling through phone pics of some of the best looking tail outside of a college setting that I have ever seen, I can't help but ask:
“So what does it cost?”
Nothing at all, just go home and make a profile.
“No catch?"
The only catch on this site is the fish you'll be reeling in in boatloads!
This was my first introduction to the Plenty of Fish lingo, which is by far my favorite part about using the site.
“So you call these girls you've been getting with fish, huh?”
Yup, they're my fishies. And there is a very precise process that you must follow in order to get them into your boat: First you need to bait your hook.
'Baiting your hook' is creating a profile. If you want to get fish to bite, you need good bait on your hook in the form of pictures, an 'About Me' section, your interests, and in my opinion the most important ingredient...a catchy headline.
Your pictures should be a mixture of pics that you look really good in and of you having a good time. Fish are not going to bite bait that doesn't look good, but if you're putting up mirror pics of your abs you might as well cut your line now and head back to shore, because nothing is biting on that shit. You're also going to want to include a picture of you with at least one smoking hot chick, this way you perform psychological ju jitsu on the fish and trick them into thinking you can pull some pretty good looking wool. Which under normal circumstances, of course, you can not. I also include a picture of me with a young black child, this way I can attract a diverse school of fish.
For my 'About Me' section I put up complete bull shit that nobody in their right mind would take seriously. It seems to attract very high quality fish, apparently other fishermen are taking the site way too seriously and driving schools of fish straight to my boat.
Interests are are all on you. Put whatever you'd like, in my experience nobody pays much attention to them. If you have common interests with a fish that's usually a good ice breaker though.
As I said before, the headline can be the difference between a fish biting hard or swimming in another direction. A catchy headline should be something fish-related, because it shows how clever and witty you can be. It should also be tied to pop culture, fish like current events, they watch E!. Something along the lines of “REEL Recognize REEL” or “I Got 99 Problems but a FISH Ain't One”(Copyright 2012) will have fish practically jumping right into your boat.
Now that your hook is set, you're going to want to cast as many lines as possible. You see, fishing is a lot like marketing. It's a numbers game. The more lines you throw out there, the greater number of bites you ultimately get. It's simple statistics.
Now me personally, I like to fish for high quality game. But there is no shame in reeling in a flounder every now and then. They tend to be a lot easier to get in your boat than a marlin.
When a fish responds to one of your messages, you have them “on the line.” Its your job to reel them in buddy, make them laugh, tell them how many beers you can drink, send them a dick pic or two. Whatever you think you need to do to get them in your boat, do it. This is the hard part, but once you get them in your boat, it's smooth sailing, brother.
“Getting a fish in your boat” is meeting them, and if you meet them, its almost a lock that you will be knockin' boots. We in the fishing universe call this step “scaling the fish.” Often a fish will not be scaled until the 2nd meet, but never later than that. If the fish is waiting until later than the 2nd meet, cut your line and count your losses. After all, there are plenty of fish in the sea.
I have been fishing for a few months now and have accumulated a fair amount of humorous stories. I will be sharing them with you all in a TTAD exclusive “Fish Tales” series, coming soon to a computer screen/smart phone/tablet device near you.
In the mean time, I encourage all of you young fishermen out there to set your bait and cast a few lines. There's no telling what kind of stories you will end up with.
And lastly, ladies, if you are actually on that, or any dating website looking for a genuinely nice man, you're fucking crazy and are most likely in the flounder category.
It's good to be back!
Dr, Funkenstein