Scumbag of the Month:
Kevin
"I need Beer Money for my Crazy Eye"
Knapp
Early Monday morning on January 30th, Kevin is about to head down to Fibbers to grab a 12 pack before the bar closes. As he makes his way to the door, Kevin is struck by the fact that he is an absolute dead beat and does not have enough money to buy that smooth pack of Keystone light he enjoys so much. Lucky for him, his girlfriend stashes a load of cash in her underwear drawer, which he found last Thursday while sniffing her panties. Checking his watch, Kevin realizes he has exactly 20 minutes to grab the dough and sprint down to Fibbers before it closes.
Reaching the top of the stairs, he is greeted by his current boxing partner and soon to be ex-girlfriend. At first, Kevin is able to fake out his girlfriend by using his signature “Look Left, Go Right” move, which gives him enough time to make it to the dresser. “Jackpot,” Kevin says to himself as he opens the drawer to find $300. If he hurries, he should be able to get to Fibbers with enough time to buy the bar a round of those $5 Long Island Ice Teas that everyone likes so much.
He turns. She stands in the doorway blocking the only exit. Kevin cannot help to stare to the window on the far left side of the room, but decides against this exit plan.
Plan B (really the only plan at this point). He throws his girlfriend to the bed and wraps his hands forcefully around her throat. The now ex-girlfriend passes out only to awake to Kevin trying to put a pillow over her head. It was now or never for the victim. She sees her opening on Kevin’s left side and kicks. Kevin gets up, and she falls to the floor.
To get even, Kevin decides to give his babe a good old boot to her left eye, so she can feel his pain of one crazy fucking eye.
After declaring himself the winner, Kevin checks his watch. Five minutes till close.
Now, I know you are wondering how our hero’s story ends. Did he make it? Did he get his 12 pack of Keystone? Did he buy a round of Long Island Ice Teas? Did he get his crazy eye fixed?
Well you are in luck because I was at Fibbers that night, and sure enough Kevin stormed in at 12:59 AM and looked square at the bartender and jukebox at the same time, and shouted “Long Islands for everyone on me!” I didn’t stay to enjoy the Long Island Ice Tea and either did the only other person there. It was Monday morning, and I had work in a few hours.
Sadly, Kevin was caught 2 days later in Mont Co. When police arrived, Kevin tried his now legendary “Look Left, Go Right” fake out move, but it did not work.
Congrats Kevin, we are giving you and your crazy eye the honor of being the scumbag of the past month. Fucking Sicko. (All future scumbags will be decided on a weekly basis.)
Read the full article here.