Outta Here!
The Ghost Of Drunken Past
Greetings TTAD readers and Happy Holidays! In the spirit of the season I wrote a quick “Outta Here!” story in poem form. Before you read, know that the story is 100% accurate. I only changed the name of the victim to protect his already disgraced reputation during this Yule tide season.
Happy Holidays to you and yours,
Chug Monky
Happy Holidays to you and yours,
Chug Monky
T’was senior year Christmas Break,
And my friends and I decide,
To steal some booze from our parents,
And go for a ride.
With my Pops on the can,
And my Mom not nearby,
I grab a bottle of vodka,
And tape it to my thigh.
I chug a beer in the basement,
Try to stay quiet and hide,
I’m starting to get nervous,
But suddenly – A car horn outside!
I rush into the van,
Say “hi” to my buds,
Smoke a quick bowl,
And down a bottle of suds.
My friend makes an announcement,
As he rolls another doobie,
We’re meeting some chicks.
We’re gonna check out a movie.
My buddy, Lou, jumps in,
As I refill my cup.
He’s talking mad bullshit,
He’s pretty fucked up.
And my friends and I decide,
To steal some booze from our parents,
And go for a ride.
With my Pops on the can,
And my Mom not nearby,
I grab a bottle of vodka,
And tape it to my thigh.
I chug a beer in the basement,
Try to stay quiet and hide,
I’m starting to get nervous,
But suddenly – A car horn outside!
I rush into the van,
Say “hi” to my buds,
Smoke a quick bowl,
And down a bottle of suds.
My friend makes an announcement,
As he rolls another doobie,
We’re meeting some chicks.
We’re gonna check out a movie.
My buddy, Lou, jumps in,
As I refill my cup.
He’s talking mad bullshit,
He’s pretty fucked up.
We tear into his JanSport,
And what do I see?
Where I only stole one vodka,
My God! He stole 3!
On the backroads to Springfield,
Around corners we careen.
Not a really smart move,
Being merely seventeen.
We make a pit stop at Wendy’s
My friend has diarrhea,
While the rest of us make prank calls
From my standard Nokia.
In the lot, we toast McNabb
Before deciding to split.
Remember, it is 2002,
He didn’t yet look like shit.
We pull up to AMC.
Some of us gag.
File out of the van.
We’re all in the bag.
Excited to see “Red Dragon,”
I enjoy my drunken bliss,
While the driver stands next to me
Taking a 40-year piss.
“Pinch it off!” I demand.
I start to lose my sanity,
While good old Louie-boy,
Wanders ‘round ripping profanity.
I do my best to buy tickets,
Because the movie starts soon,
But Lou starts jumping on cars,
Acting like a fucking buffoon.
We decide to ditch him,
As he’s wasted away,
Because Lou’s an asshole
And who invited him anyway?
We enter the theater,
Down the aisles we make our way.
The girls saved us seats!
I might get an HJ!
The movie begins,
And though silence is gold,
Curses echo from the back,
And down the aisle Lou rolled.
Making an ass of himself,
He stumbles to the seating,
Slaps the soda out of my hand,
“Fuck you, Chug,” is his greeting.
Then, with a huff and a puff
He takes a swing at my mug,
But hits his head on the ground.
He’s lying dead on the rug.
Ten minutes go by,
He rises up from the floor,
“Fuck all you assholes!” screamed Lou,
Crawling his way up to the door.
Relieved that it’s over,
My focus back to the flick,
But then a tap on my shoulder,
“I think your friend is sick.”
It was the theater manager.
He told me he found
Puke all over the floor
And Louie dead on the ground.
He points to the bathroom,
I dash like a comet,
Being careful to dodge
All the footprints of vomit.
I open the door,
In the men’s room I go
By the toilet is Lou,
Dead as Terry Shiavo.
I pick him up from his grave,
Over my shoulder he goes,
I’m more furious than I would be
At one thousand Tebows.
Out back of the theater,
I prop him up then he falls,
Call my buddy for a ride,
And kick Lou in the balls.
A 91 Cavalier arrives,
And with 100% of my brawn,
I shove the motherfucker in,
Tell my friend, “Drop him off on his lawn.”
We pull up to his house,
Suddenly Lou puts up a fight,
“Fuck it then!” I decide,
“In the park he’ll spend this cold night.”
We throw him down by the swings,
I kick him in the nose,
Then offer my friend a chance
To give Lou some blows.
Not satisfied yet,
Pulling my dong out I said,
“Thanks for ruining my night.”
And pissed on his head.
I’m in full midstream
As Louie starts to wince,
My buddy pushes me aside,
Gives him his own personal rinse.
Out of nowhere we see,
Lights of red and blue.
Both of us take off.
This is the end of Lou.
Lou getting cuffed,
Was the last thing I saw,
So I wake up the next morning,
And give him a call.
“I’m definitely grounded,
That is for sure.
My Dad picked me up,
You won’t see me no more.”
“I’m sorry my friend.
You were really a mess.
How did you explain
The piss on your chest?”
“Well, my Dad was screaming
As he usually rants.
I shrugged and just said,
‘It’s Christmas – I pissed my pants.’”
And what do I see?
Where I only stole one vodka,
My God! He stole 3!
On the backroads to Springfield,
Around corners we careen.
Not a really smart move,
Being merely seventeen.
We make a pit stop at Wendy’s
My friend has diarrhea,
While the rest of us make prank calls
From my standard Nokia.
In the lot, we toast McNabb
Before deciding to split.
Remember, it is 2002,
He didn’t yet look like shit.
We pull up to AMC.
Some of us gag.
File out of the van.
We’re all in the bag.
Excited to see “Red Dragon,”
I enjoy my drunken bliss,
While the driver stands next to me
Taking a 40-year piss.
“Pinch it off!” I demand.
I start to lose my sanity,
While good old Louie-boy,
Wanders ‘round ripping profanity.
I do my best to buy tickets,
Because the movie starts soon,
But Lou starts jumping on cars,
Acting like a fucking buffoon.
We decide to ditch him,
As he’s wasted away,
Because Lou’s an asshole
And who invited him anyway?
We enter the theater,
Down the aisles we make our way.
The girls saved us seats!
I might get an HJ!
The movie begins,
And though silence is gold,
Curses echo from the back,
And down the aisle Lou rolled.
Making an ass of himself,
He stumbles to the seating,
Slaps the soda out of my hand,
“Fuck you, Chug,” is his greeting.
Then, with a huff and a puff
He takes a swing at my mug,
But hits his head on the ground.
He’s lying dead on the rug.
Ten minutes go by,
He rises up from the floor,
“Fuck all you assholes!” screamed Lou,
Crawling his way up to the door.
Relieved that it’s over,
My focus back to the flick,
But then a tap on my shoulder,
“I think your friend is sick.”
It was the theater manager.
He told me he found
Puke all over the floor
And Louie dead on the ground.
He points to the bathroom,
I dash like a comet,
Being careful to dodge
All the footprints of vomit.
I open the door,
In the men’s room I go
By the toilet is Lou,
Dead as Terry Shiavo.
I pick him up from his grave,
Over my shoulder he goes,
I’m more furious than I would be
At one thousand Tebows.
Out back of the theater,
I prop him up then he falls,
Call my buddy for a ride,
And kick Lou in the balls.
A 91 Cavalier arrives,
And with 100% of my brawn,
I shove the motherfucker in,
Tell my friend, “Drop him off on his lawn.”
We pull up to his house,
Suddenly Lou puts up a fight,
“Fuck it then!” I decide,
“In the park he’ll spend this cold night.”
We throw him down by the swings,
I kick him in the nose,
Then offer my friend a chance
To give Lou some blows.
Not satisfied yet,
Pulling my dong out I said,
“Thanks for ruining my night.”
And pissed on his head.
I’m in full midstream
As Louie starts to wince,
My buddy pushes me aside,
Gives him his own personal rinse.
Out of nowhere we see,
Lights of red and blue.
Both of us take off.
This is the end of Lou.
Lou getting cuffed,
Was the last thing I saw,
So I wake up the next morning,
And give him a call.
“I’m definitely grounded,
That is for sure.
My Dad picked me up,
You won’t see me no more.”
“I’m sorry my friend.
You were really a mess.
How did you explain
The piss on your chest?”
“Well, my Dad was screaming
As he usually rants.
I shrugged and just said,
‘It’s Christmas – I pissed my pants.’”