The Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire
A Taste Of DELCO In The 14th Century
(TTAD would like to thank our latest guest writer Spider-Man for this gripping description of a place that has DELCO written all over it, even if it's not the least bit close to DELCO. Enjoy, ya Bitches.)
I'm sure that most, if not all, of you have heard of the Renaissance Faire in some fashion. Whether it was on TV, in the newspaper or a relative who told you about this place, it is an experience that you will not forget. I'm absolutely guaranteeing you have a blast. I can also explain why in four mere words….Drinking in the Middle-Ages. Middle-Ages is one Fucking word. Hyphenated words count as one not two. I would Fucking know. Let it go. And, yes, I curse with capital letters. Frequently.
First of all, when you pull up you will see an Edward scissor-hand-esque bush carved into the shape of a rearing horse with an armored knight holding a lance mounted on him. If it’s your first time here you may not pay much attention to it, but if you are revisiting the Faire it gives you a sense of excitement. It’s the same feeling you get as if you were crossing under the Walt Disney World “Where dreams come true” sign. Your fighting with your inner child to stay put until you get to the actual parks, which is actually another 40 minutes from where your staying. This isn’t like that at all actually because once you turn past this guy you park and then your there. No Fucking around.
I'm sure that most, if not all, of you have heard of the Renaissance Faire in some fashion. Whether it was on TV, in the newspaper or a relative who told you about this place, it is an experience that you will not forget. I'm absolutely guaranteeing you have a blast. I can also explain why in four mere words….Drinking in the Middle-Ages. Middle-Ages is one Fucking word. Hyphenated words count as one not two. I would Fucking know. Let it go. And, yes, I curse with capital letters. Frequently.
First of all, when you pull up you will see an Edward scissor-hand-esque bush carved into the shape of a rearing horse with an armored knight holding a lance mounted on him. If it’s your first time here you may not pay much attention to it, but if you are revisiting the Faire it gives you a sense of excitement. It’s the same feeling you get as if you were crossing under the Walt Disney World “Where dreams come true” sign. Your fighting with your inner child to stay put until you get to the actual parks, which is actually another 40 minutes from where your staying. This isn’t like that at all actually because once you turn past this guy you park and then your there. No Fucking around.
The Ren is located on a winery, which means free wine? Sort of. I’ll get into that in a bit. I know what you’re thinking. I came here to drink. Where are my drinks? Amirite? Hold your god Damn horse(s). Before you even get into the place you have to seek out the man, or men, (I think there are multiples, and rightfully so) I like to call the stamp people. These guys are impossible to miss, so your seeking is more like just walking from the car to the entrance. They are flailing about waiving stamps in the air and looking for you and your thirst for the beverage. These guys are VERY important because their over 21 stamps will give you access to the Shit that helps this place breathe. Get a FREE stamp from the stamp men (See why I call them that?). Cruise to the entrance and do not make eye contact with the guy that sits on the roof of the ticket window. He will assault you verbally.
You didn’t realize it but as soon as you give the peasant your ticket you just traveled backwards through time five hundjo years to a times where dudes were lords and feems were ladies (or wenches, depending on the woman.) Everyone drinks ale and mead; everyone eats turkey’s legs like barbarians. There is a queen, who has her knights and a squire with her at all times, that traverses through her kingdom. People will shout out Long live the Queen or God Save the Queen and feel free to do so yourself. You are gonna want to. The people who ‘live’ here are very clever and witty with very good English accents. Another thing to take note of is that there are lots of tits out. Corsets for days.
Alright, you get the picture. Now make a hard right and head for the place that looks like a giant pirate ship. If you’re an idiot, grab a map. The brewery is located here which should be your first stop. This is where I tasted the most delicious thing that my lips have ever had the pleasure of coming into contact with. Sorry ladies. It was a pale ale. The ales and meads are very reasonably priced. By the end of the day, I had consumed every single thing they had on tap at least once and they were all sincere beers. After getting your just deserts go to the pirate ship directly behind you. It contains the most ridiculous amount of forged steel that I have ever seen. There is a forgery in the Faire where they make a lot of stuff but I think it’s too small and they only make daggers there. I think I know this because while I was at the brewery I happened to be sitting next to the Mother Fucking Blacksmith's apprentice. I Shit you not. He was absolutely crazed. Seriously, he was interesting, but not someone you tell your real name to or shake hands with for that matter. Anyway the coolest swords are probably made elsewhere, let’s say Chinese sweat shops, and shipped here cause we're Fucking lazy and Fuck making swords. Shit takes too long. The ship is home to many swords you may recognize, such as those crazy zig-zaggy-almost jawnts from 300, the blades of Athena from the God of War series, and my absolute personal favorite. The Master Sword. She really was there and she was for sale. Unfortunately, I spent all my money on beverages, turkey legs, and torture chambers before I realized she was ganked out of the Lost Woods and stowed away on this way-too-far-inland pirate ship. For those of you who I lost right there, I apologize. But I immediately retract my apology because of an inner urge beyond my understanding to care about things that are really not worth admitting…...I love Zelda.
Grab anotha brewhasteme and go venture in the vast ocean of fun you should be having. Before I go on to other activities you should do, let us finish up speaking of the more serious matters. There is a wine tasting booth where they serve FREE samples of wine next to baskets of mini-awesome pretzels. The combination of wine and pretz is surprisingly superb. Shit’s free because the place is built on a winery and they want you to buy their wine. You probably will too. One reason is because it is actually very good. Another reason is that it is very affordable. Bottles of quality wine are sold for as low as ten buckaroos. The more likely reason is that you’re walking out and you need a road soda. They give you these clever little papers that have all the names of the wines- at least 20. Try them all just because you can. This will jack you up if you utilize it correctly.
Now that you’re limber, time to see some shows. Head over to the Human Chess board. They actually fight when they meet each other on the board. It gets intense. The Queen is there too. There are so many shows going on you might want to go grab one of those idiot maps I told you about earlier. They ain’t so bad. I was just being a hater. They should have the times of all the shows. Go see at least three or four shows.
Alright, you get the picture. Now make a hard right and head for the place that looks like a giant pirate ship. If you’re an idiot, grab a map. The brewery is located here which should be your first stop. This is where I tasted the most delicious thing that my lips have ever had the pleasure of coming into contact with. Sorry ladies. It was a pale ale. The ales and meads are very reasonably priced. By the end of the day, I had consumed every single thing they had on tap at least once and they were all sincere beers. After getting your just deserts go to the pirate ship directly behind you. It contains the most ridiculous amount of forged steel that I have ever seen. There is a forgery in the Faire where they make a lot of stuff but I think it’s too small and they only make daggers there. I think I know this because while I was at the brewery I happened to be sitting next to the Mother Fucking Blacksmith's apprentice. I Shit you not. He was absolutely crazed. Seriously, he was interesting, but not someone you tell your real name to or shake hands with for that matter. Anyway the coolest swords are probably made elsewhere, let’s say Chinese sweat shops, and shipped here cause we're Fucking lazy and Fuck making swords. Shit takes too long. The ship is home to many swords you may recognize, such as those crazy zig-zaggy-almost jawnts from 300, the blades of Athena from the God of War series, and my absolute personal favorite. The Master Sword. She really was there and she was for sale. Unfortunately, I spent all my money on beverages, turkey legs, and torture chambers before I realized she was ganked out of the Lost Woods and stowed away on this way-too-far-inland pirate ship. For those of you who I lost right there, I apologize. But I immediately retract my apology because of an inner urge beyond my understanding to care about things that are really not worth admitting…...I love Zelda.
Grab anotha brewhasteme and go venture in the vast ocean of fun you should be having. Before I go on to other activities you should do, let us finish up speaking of the more serious matters. There is a wine tasting booth where they serve FREE samples of wine next to baskets of mini-awesome pretzels. The combination of wine and pretz is surprisingly superb. Shit’s free because the place is built on a winery and they want you to buy their wine. You probably will too. One reason is because it is actually very good. Another reason is that it is very affordable. Bottles of quality wine are sold for as low as ten buckaroos. The more likely reason is that you’re walking out and you need a road soda. They give you these clever little papers that have all the names of the wines- at least 20. Try them all just because you can. This will jack you up if you utilize it correctly.
Now that you’re limber, time to see some shows. Head over to the Human Chess board. They actually fight when they meet each other on the board. It gets intense. The Queen is there too. There are so many shows going on you might want to go grab one of those idiot maps I told you about earlier. They ain’t so bad. I was just being a hater. They should have the times of all the shows. Go see at least three or four shows.
Do not walk out of this place without going to see the joust. Mid-day they have a little joust, but the Final joust is what makes you poop your pants. I also recommend the Duo of Woo, these guys are complete Assholes. You might even think that they grew up in Delco minus their Scottish brogue. If you brought a feem with you, sit in the front, right in front of them and cross your fingers. You’re gonna wanna get your cell phone camera out too. They talk adult things like getting laid and sweating wenches.
(Side note: I’ll have to have them add Sweating and feem to the dictionary here. Feem is short for female. Sweating is enjoying a feem as more than a friend. It doesn’t have to be used for feems only. It can also be used in your daily vocabulary.
E.g. - “Yo, have you had any potato chips lately?”
“Yo, I sweat potato chips. I eat them for days.”
^this person likes potato chips. Got it? Good.)
(Side note: I’ll have to have them add Sweating and feem to the dictionary here. Feem is short for female. Sweating is enjoying a feem as more than a friend. It doesn’t have to be used for feems only. It can also be used in your daily vocabulary.
E.g. - “Yo, have you had any potato chips lately?”
“Yo, I sweat potato chips. I eat them for days.”
^this person likes potato chips. Got it? Good.)
I could literally sit here and write three-five more pages of awesome things you can see and do at this place but I will be your friend and not spoil everything. Actually there’s just one more thing I need to spoil. They have elephant rides. You think I’m kidding? I’m not kidding. There is a gay guy in his red velvet blanket covered chair near Lucy The Elephant's butt. That’s funny! This is the kinda Shit I’m talking about. Hilarious elephants out of their natural habitat with freak owners. There’s so much more.
The point I am trying to make here, if you haven’t figured it out yet, is that I love the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire. If you go, you will too. Every weekend has a theme, such as Celtic weekend, Pirate Weekend, Gypsy Takeover weekend (Check your pockets), and even Brewfest! So choose a weekend that you want to get rowdy and bring your mates, your girlfriend, or your imaginary friend, just get down there. I promise, you will not regret it. It’s awesome. Go.
- Spider-Man -
The point I am trying to make here, if you haven’t figured it out yet, is that I love the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire. If you go, you will too. Every weekend has a theme, such as Celtic weekend, Pirate Weekend, Gypsy Takeover weekend (Check your pockets), and even Brewfest! So choose a weekend that you want to get rowdy and bring your mates, your girlfriend, or your imaginary friend, just get down there. I promise, you will not regret it. It’s awesome. Go.
- Spider-Man -