¡Cinco de Mayo!
May 5th. A date set aside to observe the Mexican Army's upset victory over the French calvary at the Battle of Puebla in 1862. It is a day to show your pride, patriotism, and heritage for all people of Mexican descent. Naturally, Americans need to celebrate it as well. It doesn't matter if your a Mic, Whop, Dot Head, Camel Jockey, Spear Chucker, or Freaky-Deaky Dutch...today your a Wet-Back. Today, bars will sell out of tequila, stores will sell out of salsa and guac, and Taco Bells will be burnt to the ground. Even in the whitest parts of America, this will happen.
Why? Well that's simple: Booze. Any holiday that's celebration centers around the mass drinking of tequila will ultimately be adopted by white-collar Americans nationwide. Top that off with girls that confuse it for Mardi Gras, and you got yourself a hell of a combo.
So after work today, loosen up that tie, unbutton the top button, head to your nearest gin mill and tell that tender "un trago de tequila por favor!" And keep those bad boys coming. Because it's Cinco de Mayo. You're not Mexican. But you'll be damned if those god damn Wet-Backs are gonna have a good time without you.
-Dr. Funkenstein